Missing | 2009

About

I lower my head slowly into the cold water, hold my breath and don’t move. I’m releasing myself from ties to the present. The chances of drowning in this way inside this plastic tub are minuscule and therefore I’m letting myself do it again and again. I cheat. When around two minutes pass by and I come closer to the limit of my ability, my body signals that it’s getting dangerous and yet I know for a fact that I could simply raise my head above the level of the water and I would be able to breathe again. I am still scared in this process. I’ll never know death in this way but resting there at a point where life is diminishing, I become calm and my routine turns special and unworldly.  

 

Credits

Choreography: Asher Lev

Music: Damian Marley and Tosca

Text: Asher Lev

The after party. I wish I had a brother and perhaps he would die and then I could miss him a lot. I want to miss. Then I could go to the after party and no one would stop me. Because they would know that he's waiting for me there. I would be free. But I'm not. I don't have a brother, and he didn't die. I don't miss him and I'm not free. I am, here, stuck.

 

My brother Horche is dead. It didn't happen very long ago. Next to a red car, in the middle of the fucking day. To celebrate I'm having a party, drinks and some light food, why don't you come?It's hard to get a good nights rest since it happened. I'm not used to sleeping with someone, and even if I do happen to be in a relationship I'd really rather sleep alone. Today is a sunny day and so it holds the perfect atmosphere for the kind of party I want to have, beer and potato chips, nothing too serious. He would have loved to be here. I can talk to him but there are no answers. My brother Horche was around one meter and seventy five centimeters tall. We used to call him the tallest man in the world but one thought eludes me always, what was it? My brother showed me the other point that I'm always looking at. To cut my ties with this place and I reach his area. He's waiting for me on the other side and I miss him terribly. I asked him to please enlighten me on what it is and how to get there. He wouldn't explain shit  but only said:" Can you see the water?" And I said yes. Ok then. Ok. The waters are tasty and warm and ready for you. But I'm scared. That's exciting isn't it? Yes Horche, it is, and I love you too. But I still don't know what it is. I don't know anything. Let's have a party and drink a lot and perhaps it'll become clearer to you what you must do in order to reach me. Yes! A great party with lots of beer and potato chips. We have sun, lots of sun. But when the party is over will I be ready to go, do you think? That doesn't matter because when it's over, it's over. Ahha, so then it's the after party! Yes, that's where I am, in the other realm. Oh, good, I think I'm getting it finally. Yes yes, that's what that place is, it's under the water! Oh, that's great, I love after parties.

 

Calmer, darker, fewer people but more interesting and besides, my dead brother will be there. Oh, I want to go. Don't worry, you'll get here but first you have the party, and only then comes the after party. But what if it sucks? Remember the tasty water? No. What in hell happened to you brother? Was it because you ran out of beer? Well, not really. I just slipped. You didn't push me. Can I plan my own death? I know you didn't plan your own but I need to be able to. If I can make it possible then maybe I'll be able to be patient and not follow through with my terrible plan. Is that what you want ? why do I always have to stay the longest at my own gatherings. It's not your funeral if you're not there. Yes, that's true. I'll try to be wise about this whole matter, I need your help though. Too much beer and my mind becomes cloudy, then I can't think of you. When that happens I'm just happy, but I don't want to be happy.

I need to remember that you were here. If I drink too much and forget, it's as if you never were my brother. You never were my brother and you didn't die. Oh, that makes me so happy to think that you never lived and never died.

 

Keep the beer flowing please.

This is working! I am a Happy happy thought, joy joy. And yet my conclusion that you never existed does not patch up all the wholes. I am, still. So, I wish I had a brother and maybe he would die but then I could miss him a lot. I want to miss.